Black Cat

I think it's really nice to have something annoying and endearing in one fur ball, literally or figuratively. I think tonight, I'd spend some Q-time with our four newborn puppies because I still am unsure whether any (or all) of them would be given away.

So despite the craziness of yesternight, I look forward to the goodness that lies ahead.

This is for you who loves to read, to annoy and to be my cat.

Do you love cats?

5 LDR lessons

"The room suddenly spinning, she walks up at you and asks how you are. So you can smell her perfume, you see her lying naked in her arms."

A few days ago, I have been invited to join this exclusive contest that tackles the sad reality of some, missing out due to distance. I would be blogging about it on my "professional" blog than here, if it wouldn't hurt anyone to have me talk about missing out on life due to distance. I was in a long distance relationship for almost four years. Those four years were hard--but also very easy, come to think of it. Days passed faster, months meant nothing, each minute only mattered when our timelines met. Those four years were valuable, though agreed, there's a unique blend of sadness that flows through the veins of a long distance relationship. There's the anxiety of not knowing, of patiently waiting and of losing one another through the inevitable way life can take away things. Don't get me wrong, I still think long distance relationship's possible, I knew we would've made it if we didn't lose a lot along the way, but it's hard. It's hard to miss out.

So let me give a few thoughts on how to make long distance relationship work. Warning, this is not a success story. This is coming from someone, who learned.

1. Keep lines open.
The harder time is against you, the more those lines should be open. We're lucky we have technology. Imagine how difficult it was ages back when people can only rely on telegrams and snail mail to connect with a loved one living afar. Take advantage of the comforts made available by this modern world. You don't have to talk 24/7, please get some sleep and give each other "psychological space", but bridge that atmosphere with quality conversations so the "geographic space" between you will not grow into an abyss. It's easy to lose things in translation, so be open. Be interested, genuinely. Every little thing you share as a couple would be foundation to what you can share when finally, you beat that distance down to the ground.

2. Celebrate occasions.
I know this may sound funny because you're apart, but the times either of you stayed up late just to greet the other a Happy Valentine counts. See the blessing being apart grants. At least you get extended holidays (her and your timeline means at least 48 hours of Christmas). Greet her. The holidays are painful when you can't spend them with your special someone, with every couple rubbing their togetherness on you even! So greet her. For the mushiness, for the romantic notions and for the comfort it would bring. Never forget the occasions. The things that you can afford to not miss out, take them. They matter.

3. Don't live vicariously through each other. Be your own person.
Make use of the time you don't get to spend together as a time you can dedicate to your own becoming. It's so easy to be so attached to technology, but don't smother each other with attention at the expense of your personal growth. Consider the long distance period as gestation time. It's time for you to grow and nurture that life you will someday share with each other. If you trust in the strength of your relationship, you should trust that living a life individually is not tantamount to foregoing life in a relationship. Growth and space, these are things that long distance couples can very much enjoy while the situation is still less than ideal. Become, then share. It will help each of you gain the respect of the other in the long run.

4. Be optimistic.
We girls are great in being anxious. We girls are amazing at over-analyzing things and even self-deprecation, don't you think? Relax. See the good things in every situation, and people, especially your partner. Dark thoughts are strong and can eat up every hint of light in a situation, it's your duty to keep at least a flicker alive. Don't be too afraid and never forget what lit that little flicker up in the first place. When you always keep in mind what made you risk it all and be in a long distance relationship in the first place, you're bound to surpass every dark corner.

5. Keep your promises.
Trust is the number one thing that makes a long distance relationship capable. Keep your promises, even the little ones, because the little shards of broken promises you collect, they pierce deeply.

So anyway, today wasn't supposed to be the launch of my I Love 5 section but heck. Songs inspire.

Today I felt a good kind of missing, something people who are or have been in a long distance relationship must be familiar with, I assume. It's the type of missing you can feel warm and fuzzy and thankful for. It's the type of missing that serves as a reminder, refresher and even as a re ignition of every promise and every plan you made with your partner, even when she's far.

"You just have to see her, you just have to see her, you just have to see her, you know that she'll break you in two."

Confession, I guess I love ghosts, and You?

When everything is about me.

Today I will make you shift your head to the right, direction.

I guess February is about winning and losing. About the handsome price we pay when we want something, and then some more. Of course life is about some things, some ones, and maybe a lot of some where's if we grant it some of our time. Perhaps February is about the ransom we're forced to relinquish, like a dowry or someone else's money.

For all its worth, February was cold and swiftly turned into a promise of hope, a walking muscle shirt, an idea hiding under moving paper cups, a confirmation of some sort, and then some other worlds too unreal to explain.

"My feelings are my reality"

"But that's not always correct".

"Doesn't change the fact that I feel them."

Last second randomness:
I like being in the middle to meddle and wiggle my silly ass off. What do YOU like?

Jealousy is a lesser evil.

"Are you the jealous type?"

"No."

I'm not a very jealous person. I feel, like I have exhausted majority of my jealous genes when I was a kid--over the most shallow things, like a classmate with a new doll or the one with the highest score in class. But I'm a very demanding person. My pride, though I know when to put it to rest, is very aggressive and fierce. I demand attention, affection, dedication and exclusivity. I don't share--not dessert, not my girl.

So when jealousy flickers in the background, it usually touches my billowing skirts. Then there's fire. An insulting burn that will not go away. I may even dare say, I have been insulted well enough to light up for two people.

So earlier this morning I found out that the Y continued talking/texting/flirting/tweeting the girl she kissed while we were "dating" (in her defense she said she was so drunk and so high--and yes, she lived in a world where drugs was apparently a valid excuse, which of course I worked iron hand on to correct, duh--the other defense was "we're not formally together" so she didn't think it was an issue, but if this was presented in court, then 'your honor, may I say, that the kiss happened the very night she had my initials tattooed on her skin, so if we would validate the "we're not formally together" excuse, your honor, may I request that whatever weight or meaning and value that tattoo earned, be retracted. Thank you.')

I got infuriated. The issue with that girl, who has no playlist, library or even word bank to be proud of, is older than our relationship, was rectified from the very beginning--or so I thought. So I am insulted, disgusted, not jealous cause clearly, can I please be jealous over someone more deserving of my anguish? I'm angered and distrustful.

So this is my Valentine's letter for Y. More than anything, I truly value, my peace of mind.

Dear women, I know that you're worth all the confusion, but recognize, I'm worth the security.

It's not that we're broken up but we're broken. It's not like we live together but we always separate. It's not like we're flailing but it's downhill. It's not like we're hopeless but we fail often. I want someone who wants me so much that's all there is. I don't want to settle for less so let's not be friends, not exes, not estranged, not whatever. I just want us to be good people towards each other. I can't be in this relationship right now, right.now. I want a better love where I can always just be the better person. I'm not removing myself from the picture because I think I'm a problem or because there's a problem. I'm calling it quits because I'm spent. Let's be lovers or friends or names on each other's list. I don't mind. I just want to focus what's left of my self respect to being a good person for me, you, and the people I hate. I always think it's better to kill with kindness. I'm done. You don't have to answer. I didn't ask for anything, which is a mistake I tag myself with. I'm recognizing how the mistakes we've been doing all lead to this close. I hate you. I hate Florence. I hate hate. I'm sorry it's this big. It grew and grew and I didn't ask for you to kill it when I noticed how you weren't being sensitive-anything to save us from this release. I'm sorry for that. On Friday, I want us to meet with clean plates if you still want to meet. I just want to forget, take what I can keep and start anew. I just want to move on from this incredulous turn away. Thank you for writing my name as 8th. I like that infinite number. Symbolically, it's very apt even. Two loops, one sacred point.

Are you the jealous type?

Lamming 1

Let me begin, formally if I may, for we did not begin, properly. We only rustled, witnessed lips and leaves, detach from each arm.

In a notebook, of dotted women, in dire need, of connection and form, my untrained hand, copied, your words, for safe-keeping. My selfish strategem, for remembering, this, but your soul, it came, in creeping waves.

So let me, begin endlessly, this search for tide, rather ground. My darling little mortar, a pounding goddess, my dear, locket of heavy heart.

The eye of the sky, is watching, elephants mourn, the deaths, we share, yet we blame, the trunks of trees, pushing, from each seed.

The secrets, we threw, in casual waves, were collated, by a storm, in, calculating, little squares, a graph, a line understood.

We, have no umbrella, to claim.

If I want to, I would, put a comma, to kill, ev,e,ry, fucking, pe,ri,od.

LESBIAN BOOK#2 Fallen in Love by Lauren Kate

Do you think there's a wanting of lesbian literature in your country?

Cause from where I'm from, I feel like there is. I live in a country where it is painful to admit, our own literature is most likely in a shadowy corner, than the grander center aisles of a bookstore. And in that shadowy corner, is a more shadowy section of gay literature. I always feel a strong rush of excitement when I see a lesbian book when I search my favorite bookstores. It's that rare. Perhaps, the gay community were steps ahead putting their voices and stories in print than us lesbians, I don't know. All I know is, I want more. I want to hungrily devour whatever lesbian literature I can get my hands on--better if its from a local scene.

With that, let me share with you a pleasant surprise I was blessed with last night. Because something happened post-sex, and by sex I mean something else--I just wanted the drama, I couldn't sleep. I decided to start reading this young adult book that I pulled out for one of my book reviews, Fallen in Love by Lauren Kate.

This book cover inspires me to have black hair.

Fallen in Love is part of the Fallen series, a love story between angels. For Fallen in Love, what we have are back stories of the characters of the Fallen series. Think of it as fan fiction, or the unnecessary author response to the typical reader's question "what happened to characters A, B, C?"

Nonetheless, I have to say, I was pleased to find out that within this young adult "supplementary" book, is a lesbian love story. I am very pleased for various reasons, beginning with 1. Fallen in Love is a book with a young targeted demographic. I really think it's important to incorporate such forms of love, heterosexual and homosexual, in the literature we feed the youth nowadays because the issue between the sexes is more alive than ever in this period to which they're born--even blessed with.

But what truly delighted me was the part where in the lesbian chapters, the romantic conflict the author decided to focus on was in the issue between them being angels, not both girls. I have always dreamed of a community where our sexes and preferences would be taken as a matter of flatly. Where to be in love with the same sex is treated with as much normalcy as being in love with the opposite sex is. The lesbian story line in Fallen in Love fed that fantasy. It wasn't a grand story, Fallen in Love wasn't a grand book, but for that effort, I give it my fondness.

I wish to find more lesbian books/stories to share with you. If you know any, please do share with me too.

I worship--

My story usually goes like this, every single thing that she touches, physically or in essence, will be marked. So yes, I am owned upon first handshake. If she gets me a glass of water, and I drink from that glass, I am owned from the insides. Imagine if it's a 3-second embrace.

There's something completely overwhelming about the way I like a person.

Let me put it this way. If I come to a decision that I like you, you can pick your nose in front of me and I would still like you. You may annoy me down to my last patient gene and I will still like you. I try to pretend, or at least would like to believe that I pull it off, that when I decide that I like a person, I refer to a you-ness that perhaps only I can grasp. No, I don't turn people into a concept. I take the person I like first as a name, then as a concept, til I feel her as a beating muscle, and I reconcile word and flesh. I bridge with her resonating sound, wrap my thoughts with her warmth, fog my mind with her breath, put none to waste, til her last falling hair--I commit to everything. Come as you are, says that song. If I decide that I like you, I'd like you in everything that you are and are not.

It's fascinating how almost always, people who seek my acceptance are those who I'd accept (most likely, have already accepted) in every way possible. There's something completely overwhelming about the way I like a person. It's scary, and almost always, it's because I get too scared myself. So there are words, and there are songs, and there are torn pages, and endless cursors blinking through the midnight's plight. 

From Tumblr

All the cool songs and hard-to-spell words, they're yours.