Today I sink delirious into this feeling of falling into, I don’t know. It’s 5:39PM and I’m just waiting for the chance to log out. I opened my mom’s Facebook account, something she doesn’t really open or pretty much can’t given the situation, and I just got S-A-D.
I guess it’s different to look at images in your head, in comparison. The blow is more static, electric down to your spine, when you look at the REAL difference, the real loss.
One night my mother didn’t let me sleep, unintentionally I suppose. It all started with me asking how she is because I want to know, and because I felt like she needed the chance to say her peace. How do I know? Because sometimes she would grab every opportune moment to say something: to complain, to compare.
It ended up with her saying a lot, some of which left me shuddered behind my wall. It ended up with me falling asleep to the sound of her voice, her voice telling stories that define my nightmares or what I mean by hate and ill-wishes. It ended up to me waking up to her hugging me, in tears, as I look away or pretend not to wake up because who in their right mind would like to see their mothers break down to pieces? I guess none. It ended up with a cycle that was tireless, pretty much my day-to-day, only in rewind. She felt like a fading picture and I didn’t want to look.
So in these satire moments when I dare, I crumble and sink endlessly.
