I wanted to preserve the loud thumping within my chest. It was a drumming rhythm that defined how I walked this earth--march right left right. I know you've heard it once, when you rested your head on my breast. I saw you smile, you closed your eyes, "I can feel your heart," feel not hear, you even clarified. And that, my darling beloved, anchored me on the premise of wanting so surely. Everything that spins, is you, so I spin to the beat of lunacy.
I wanted to be a part of something big, explosive even, and that scared you. You said something about me being destructive and careless and more words you can't afford. How much are you willing to risk to navigate around my mind, I can now just assume. We had points A to Z between arms, like a soldier's rifle waiting to be triggered. This urged me to listen to your tales of wastage while you reprimand me for the pressing wreckage. If only you allowed me to show you. I just wanted the cleanliness of our blast. Like a supernova--so frightening, but most often than not, for the best of us.
That blinding light that caused you to jerk a quick left against a street post--to save your leg or another life--those were the quick radical questions that pounced on me as I decided to go. I will never learn to drive, I made it clear, but you said I still should try. So there we were, with a crash piercing through the silence of not talking. I wanted to blame my lack of skill but you forced me to be everything else but me. No horns could have halted the pages from turning. We turned until there was none left to lift--not even each other.
As I press on the mold to imprint my thoughts on you, I become the word with dropped letters--forming different worlds darker than the tunnels of your heart. I just wanted to preserve the sparkling need to be loved by you and only you; then I met someone new. I met someone new. I met someone new.
I stopped wanting you.
We deny ourselves as much as we lose what we stand to gain.
Today is supposedly the end of the world. If by any chance, it would count for anything, I would like to write on this page, perhaps one last time, should the said Mayan prediction come true.
our soiled sheets carry
the scent of your legs
and my mind,
oh, how it wandered aimlessly
other than silence
we held on a beating
that troubled us,
over the moon and arched backs.
ostensive fingers delight
my confused pharynx
to turn purple butterflies
onyx and dry
I made a list you might feverishly fail to nullify. I used your words to build this towering lie.
We all have our shares of once in a lifetime experiences. Yesterday, was one. It was 12.12.12 (December 12, 2012)--I refer to it as destiny day. I made a huge deal out of it. Awesome things happened.
The funny thing about life is, it has its way of taking things back at our most inconvenient time.
1. Stability - you know that feeling when you just got yourself back to your feet and you can finally walk a straight line without wobbling? Have yourself suddenly shoved out of control in between steps. That happened yesterday when A's Christmas gifts arrived. I knew she sent me gifts, and she told me what she sent, but I was floored over how my whole being reacted to receiving the items. The gesture felt more real than ever. I felt her through the bubble wrap. I imagined her carefully securing everything. I imagined her happy to send me hope. I imagined her hurting she couldn't send herself instead. Stability... it's not a very constant thing. We're all built to be tipped off balance even with the slightest breeze so I'm not surprised it was taken away from me. I should have seen it coming. I could go on all day taking the blame.
2. Trust - people we can trust, or at least feel that we can trust, are blessings to me. I value them more than anything because I know how rare it is to feel a certain level of connection with someone--the type that can knock on my closed hatchet of self. Today, trust was taken away from me in the absence of acceptance. I feel judged and hurt. Y laid down a few things she didn't like about our relationship as if it were an enumeration exam. There were even a few more that she refuses to tell me because she hopes I will figure those few things on my own--by being a little bit more sensitive --pt being, I'm insensitive apparently. I've never felt more unwanted in my life. I'm thinking... if you don't want me, why not go? And no, it doesn't feel good to hear an answer that goes "Exactly, I'm staying. Does that not count for anything?" Staying because it's what you want to do and staying because you can tolerate are two sides of the same coin.
3. Respect - it's sad to admit that I feel like I have lost the respect I have for some of the most important people in my life.. likewise, I fear and feel that I had lost their respect for me as well. Respect is something earned and it will always be tragic to lose it. Sad because it's not even due to broken bones and wounded hearts. I've lost the respect for and of the most important people in my life because life is happening and there are mistakes that are too huge of a deal to overlook--and overcome.
Life has its way of reclaiming what it has generously provided. The best thing we can do, as always, is to live in each moment.
One very smart person (S, you) once told me that life is happening. As much as it is simply stating the obvious, I must say, I have never concurred as hard.
I just want you to know that the past few days have been dreadfully painful and heavy... and I wouldn't be smiling right now if it weren't for your consistent effort to make me smile. Last night, you asked me to take care of you. I hope you know, I am beholden to your presence, my love.
Dear partner,
I hate myself for causing you so much misery, unimaginable and unintentional. Things changed, mostly me, and I hate to admit that most of the blow, you received. I admitted to you that I have not cried for us until now. I hope you didn't jump into the conclusion that I am not hurt. I feel too hurt to have let you go, for my own selfish worldly sake, that tears do not suffice to release the pain. You are my dream realized--and yet as prisoners of circumstance, I decided to bid us goodbye.
Dear self,
Happiness is never lost. It is always waiting to be shared. Never lose hope.
I woke up this morning pretending that although you are somewhere else in the world, you were dreaming of me. I hate to admit to myself that I am attached to you--how could I possibly be, we haven't met--but I read you and I saw you and I feel like I don't want to read anything else.
It is crazy, to be smitten to feel like you weigh on me as heavily as you've been weighing on me now; and I need to calm my nerves and walk this earth with utmost care not to scare you, but I am scared. I am scared of you. I am scared to frighten you. I am afraid I will never know more--when I want to know more.
If it's even possible, I think you're a missing piece.
Perhaps, you're even the jagged edge that I would dare fit into my perforated body. I want to claim you, claim me.
Every year, the University of the Philippines Pep Squad continues to push the limits of dance, athleticism and cheer dancing standards in the country. Many would argue and say their peace, many would contend and claim that their team is better--but the UP Pep Squad is and always have been the best, for me. In the years that I got to witness their talent grow, emerge and unleash unquenchable thirst for reinvention, I know no other argument would ever be sufficient to change my mind. Watch the video below because this year, they did the best of the best of the words can't explain it but it's the best routine ever. No gimmicks, just pure showcase of skills, teamwork, perseverance and the cherry on top--ideology.
Yes, ideologies through dance--cheer dance even--only the UP Pep Squad can do that. THIS. Watch this video now. If you want to watch a better wide-angle take on the routine, check the other video I embedded on this post.
I'm the type of person who will watch, speculate and when the performance moved me, react. Many things have been said--about the routine and most of all the controversial shocking "no scores" revelation for this year's competition. I will breakdown a few of my reactions to the routine below with hopes that if anyone who bothers reads my thoughts, they too would react (in affirmation or otherwise); but for the latter, let me just make my comment short bu not sweet.
When they revealed that "ranking" is the basis for selecting the winners for this year's cheer dance competition aka. compet; I was baffled. What happened to the criteria? What happened to the judges? No, really, what happened to the very specific point-system that have been the basis for any contention or of course an athlete's (yes, these dancers are athletes) record. If I were an athlete, I'd like to know I deserved my trophy. Of course in retrospect, maybe all the dancers from the different schools deserve a trophy because coming up with a compet-ready routine is hard work--the trophies are simply about who worked the best-est. Nonetheless, if I were an athlete, I would like to know my score. Whether I came from the winning school or not, I would like to know how I did. How can I improve on myself? People always takes scores, you know. It's part of what makes the pyramid--the pyramid.
Although jokingly, one can say, maybe the absence of scores represent freedom--UP's theme for this year's routine. So let me ask you, how free did you feel knowing you're judged for... apparently no particular, consensual, agreed set of reasons? If I were from the losing team, and I truly feel it's my team that should've won, how do I contend the judge's decision? To me, the absence of a professional/transparent scoring system is all the more crippling--rather than liberating. It leaves you powerless against the preference of a select few--then again, isn't that life? Isn't that part of the inspiration of UP's routine this year?
Enough with that, now with how I felt after seeing UP's routine. Here are 5 things I need to release for documentation and for future reference (I will always look back to yesterday).
This is the better video. No frills.
1. Thank you UP for coming up with the concept--for putting your great minds together and putting all your heart and soul in executing what you all came up with with such sheer perfection--even the fall was and could be part of the symbolism. Your routine was rich, ideal and compared to all the routines showcased this year, had a voice--a loud one--a sensible loud moving voice that challenged the way people see the competition, the way people see you (as dancers/athletes), and the way people should start seeing life. You changed things. I think, more than the successful stunts and passes, what you and only your team have successfully done is open the eyes of the public to the need for action. We need to move towards solidarity, unity and our humanity and fight for freedom. More than fight, we need to represent freedom.What your routine made me realize is this: the way to freedom is through freedom of self. If each of us make ourselves a symbol of freedom, then we as a community of different race, gender and social status need not be withheld by those classifications anymore. To be free is to live free, think free and share freedom. Again, thank you for reminding me of that. You gave me the chills... and I needed the shock.
2. Did anyone notice how much of the routine's grandest pyramid were formed with three levels? It made me think, how two is not enough. How we should always aim higher--and how it's possible with the help of a team. I didn't even bother consider the concept of a pyramid consisting of a foundation that can never go up. We all serve a purpose. If we start looking at a pyramid as a symbol of togetherness, than power, then the discrimination that used to come with the lines that differentiate the levels would cease to exist.Does it really matter where you stand among the crowd? If from where you stand you stand firm, with conviction and with the will to serve--perhaps, lift another up--does it really matter if you're at the bottom, physically? I think not. Power is not about where you stand among classes. Power is in how you make your stand. To all the lifters and the spotters, if it weren't for you, the point may have been overlooked. There will always be risks especially when you wish to inspire a revolutionary mind, but what makes those risks tolerable are your solid grounds. To know that you are not alone--that someone, a team even, stands behind you for your cause... to know you belong in a community that will accept your winnings and failures all the same... that is power.True power is hidden behind the glitter and the lights. True power is in belonging... in the willingness to give yourself to a greater sense of being.
3. Of course, who's to forget how the UP Pep Squad chose to represent their competitors in their routine? I can't remember any other team doing so. If any other team have done the same concept before, do let me know, but as far as my little mind can go, UP did it. UP did what was undone. In fact, the UP Pep Squad left us undone. They committed themselves wholeheartedly to the routine in order to deliver their message with the strength we people needed to hear them out--but with such grace and poise that when the music ended, everyone was a part of us. They showed how UP is not about just being a student of UP. UP is about the Filipino community. UP is the society for all free-thinkers. UP is home to everyone. Mymymy, writing about it still gives me the greatest sense of pride. UP Pep Squad, ikaw na, ikaw na talaga.
4. It's inevitable to talk about the routine without talking about the fall. Some people felt strong fear that "the fall" would risk the team to lose the competition. But a lot of people chose to see it as a symbol on its own too. Of course, it would have been a whole different story to have had that UP flag raised as high as the rest of the school's, to have seen the formation completed in all its glory, but with the gift of hindsight, wasn't it also symbolic of UP's situation? Chronically, a flaw makes every other thing richer in character and meaning. Sure, the fall also symbolized how every great achievement merits mistakes along the way--and how it's not about rising to the top but rising up after every fall... but isn't also quite eerie to have the fall symbolize even the budget and government support given to UP as an educational institution compared to its brothers and sisters in the UAAP? A question of, is UP falling behind in terms of progress and competence comes to mind; but I take comfort in knowing that the UP experience is not about the new buildings or the new laboratories or the extensive libraries and whatothershiznits other universities have that UP doesn't. The UP experience is about its people. UP is the best because of its teachers, its students, its ate, kuya, manangs and manongs. Is UP also about the fall? Could be. But the most important thing UP is about is its ability to rise above the many challenges and misgivings we face as a nation. UP is free from captive thinking. That is why UP is beautiful, a place where champions are made--and consequently where anyone can strive to make champions of themselves.
5. Most important for me to point out because of my blog's so-called niche is the routine's expression of gender equality. Jokes were said, bakit lahat sa UP Pep Squad lalaki (why are all members of the UP Pep Squad men?) and the amazed were speechless. It was a surprise no one would've seen coming (maybe even the dancers were surprised!) But the fact of the matter is, they fought for it. Gender equality is such a pressing issue in this country and in many other places in the world. It usually starts at home and expands its way out to the way our schools teach us to define it--and consequently how the world makes us define it--and the UP Pep Squad dared to say their peace. Talent is not gender-biased. Freedom is not gender-selective. We are all one in the eyes of the Great one. The most unnecessary thing you can do to anyone, even a stranger, is to judge him or her by the way he or she looks, acts and loves. I hate to bring up the LGBTQ community issues with the routine just because a shaved head is a "man" thing cause that in itself is a gender-biased thought, but notice how it didn't matter? It didn't matter how they chose to look like? How that challenged us to come out of our comfort zones and bother to really see things the way they should be seen? Didn't it look amazing to see everyone as an equal? We are all great and together, the big picture is beyond words. Weren't we all speechless? After the routine saw the light of day, wasn't it amazing to know that not everyone will judge you for who you choose to be. If you're gay, in the closet, and afraid, know that there are people who will love and accept you nonetheless. UP is for everyone, point is definitely taken.
As I begin this humble lesbian blog, I am dumbfounded by how my search engine would always bring me to a pornography site--or at least one that my authentic Kaspersky anti-virus would flag as a threat. Is it me or is my anti-virus homophobic?
At one point of your life, when you're struck by the confusion brought about your unique sexual preference, you would consult Google for answers. Well, at the time I needed some soul searching (via web), I consulted Yahoo! Those were the days, man.
Even when I search the hashtag #lesbian on twitter, I end up seeing girlongirl sex accounts that just feels so wrong for me, not as a woman, but as a lesbian specifically. Yes people, like you, I get horny too. But I'm not horny all day--okay, unless it's a particular day of the month--but you get what I mean. Is it sheer ignorance of epic naivete that people outside the LGBT community resigns themselves to the most absurd definition of being gay: that is being sexual.
Heck, even when I search about the Greek region called Lesbos, I am prohibited. Maybe my parents put up military strict firewalls on this computer because they know I use it and my little sister also uses it. Even inside my house, I experience a sort of quarantine, subtle ways of quarantine that is.
If I ask you what a lesbian is, what would you say? Cause personally, a lesbian is simply a woman who prefers to be emotionally and of course, inevitably sexually involved, with a woman as well. Consider me biased, but I really don't see anything wrong with that.
Words are always limiting; but there's pleasure in knowing where to begin. I have loved women all my life and though my life is yet to be that long, I am young, I have already gained a list of reasons why it is women which I love. To begin with... I love a woman's body. Perversion aside, I love caressing a woman's body. There's always strength between her sighs and her softness is but the beginning of pleasure. That's why I love women. How about you? -TP
