Reasons and Excuses

Between thought and action is reason. When we lose it, forget it, or worse completely neglect its value, we become animals imprisoned by our own self-serving missions rooted on an irrational culture set to stone by protruded impulse.

Few days ago I left my email open on Y's laptop. She accidentally opened it and saw an ex's name. This prompted her to read the exchange, or at least open what it started with. It was an email I sent with a poem in it. A poem I wrote in trance while my life is in transit, so to speak. The issue for Y was: why did I send the poem.

The answers to me were simple but the anger, frustration and distrust that clouded her mind were too thick, her grace was taken away. The little bit of it, if I may say.

I sent the poem because I wanted to send the message. Sometimes, when what you want to express is too personal, digging for words become tedious and even antiseptic. That's where resorting to pictures or symbols or prose or colors come in. I found my medium in poetry and decided to pounce on it. I wanted her to know, just know, or at least grant her a better chance of knowing what little I can deliver. I've been in the position of being left blind-sided and it was never fun and safe to sit with shadows. It shouldn't matter says Y. But I've no bad blood with A despite what happened so it mattered to me that I can do something like leave a trail to MY reason so she can someday, when she wants to, know the thought and understand the action. Y can't get that. She didn't have any reasons to be graceful.

So she did something, an uproar that I can't tolerate blindly, and that uprooted some of the things we nurtured the past few months. I felt/feel an anger and disgrace, shame and sheer disappointment over the person she decided to become. Denial, repulsion, hatred set in and I struggle to meet with acceptance and heart.

There is the monster that slept. There is her monster.

But the villain in me taps my shoulder, whispers understanding and empathy. And maybe there is reason why I'm willing to swallow. The action may not be thought through but the reason is shining over an airless box. For all its worth, Y exploded right before my eyes. Graceful or not, I'm at a point where I'd prefer that than someone who will speak of me heartlessly then pretend to be the soul to which my weakness can recline with.

So the poem was set free, free enough to be whatever it wishes to be. I'm happy with the butter that was churned, there could be better but that better world is no longer for the same spirit that ignited the first lines of my poem. The changes are still happening, forming worlds cornered by numbered streets, and these changes are mine, mine alone. Mine to decide with whom I would share it. Mine to build, hide, protect and cover with sealed lips, cryptic words and beating pauses. That although A didn't understand what I was saying, the message was sent. I blame my failed style in depicting my feelings with words, sure, but I also blame "the reason" why she was unable to capture the song between the lines. The reason is change. 

Change has taken over everything.

Conventions and confectioners

My world spun or spiraled, whichever available, yesterday. The day started with a confused bang, then there was coffee, large Fries and a tedious walk under the morning sun. These were then followed by a stolen rest, a stolen time, a stolen glance and a heart stolen by default. It was a conspiracy to deal with the turn of events, but it was also a magical spectacle to have seen it close with a reunion, a gathering if I may, of souls lost in misery and conjunctions, simultaneously.

I was with my tomboy friends last night. It was an impromptu tomboy convention, I can leisurely recall. It was a promise kept and a promise made. It was a promising acquaintance and a knot made to never ever falter against the changing names of gift cards in scrapbooks, well-hidden and structured by dreams.

People may find it hard to believe, but I join the renegade feeling of "feeling friendless". I'm a very out there person, and friendship is something I am open to granting upon first second of intertwining souls; but at the end of the day, I have only a few number of people I can truly, whole-heartedly, confidently and without hesitation, call as my friends. I like it that way.

So last night I was with my friends, two of which were friends since the beginning of time, one of which was a friend made when the beginning of the now spun close. Before that, however, I was with a dear friend who unknowingly achieves the personification of my unseen moonrise. Admittedly, she is unprecedented. I can't put my finger on how she acts towards me, neither can I put my finger on who she is; but I find myself in a comforting tunnel, a faltering abyss of mixed silence and whispers, I don't need to know.

Late in the night, as my unforgiving wooziness got the best of me (thank you BioFlu for allowing me to wake up the next day a bit saner than expected), I concluded that break-ups aren't the reason why relationships end. Relationships end because they stop happening. Relationships stop happening because people cease trying. Sometimes, the causes would be circumstantial, sometimes emotional. Sometimes, the causes would be rational (if you're lucky), but often, the causes would be unspeakable (quite literally). So amidst my running (pun) nose, I decided not to believe in break-ups, as heavily as I decided not to believe in a Catholic God (until they recognize homosexuality as an equal act of love, they can keep their crosses to themselves).

I tried breaking up with her, again, and she won't let me. I don't understand how far she's willing to go every time I am willing to go--so illegal things happened, and once again we're back on square one.

I'd rather believe in fairies. I do.

5 LDR lessons

"The room suddenly spinning, she walks up at you and asks how you are. So you can smell her perfume, you see her lying naked in her arms."

A few days ago, I have been invited to join this exclusive contest that tackles the sad reality of some, missing out due to distance. I would be blogging about it on my "professional" blog than here, if it wouldn't hurt anyone to have me talk about missing out on life due to distance. I was in a long distance relationship for almost four years. Those four years were hard--but also very easy, come to think of it. Days passed faster, months meant nothing, each minute only mattered when our timelines met. Those four years were valuable, though agreed, there's a unique blend of sadness that flows through the veins of a long distance relationship. There's the anxiety of not knowing, of patiently waiting and of losing one another through the inevitable way life can take away things. Don't get me wrong, I still think long distance relationship's possible, I knew we would've made it if we didn't lose a lot along the way, but it's hard. It's hard to miss out.

So let me give a few thoughts on how to make long distance relationship work. Warning, this is not a success story. This is coming from someone, who learned.

1. Keep lines open.
The harder time is against you, the more those lines should be open. We're lucky we have technology. Imagine how difficult it was ages back when people can only rely on telegrams and snail mail to connect with a loved one living afar. Take advantage of the comforts made available by this modern world. You don't have to talk 24/7, please get some sleep and give each other "psychological space", but bridge that atmosphere with quality conversations so the "geographic space" between you will not grow into an abyss. It's easy to lose things in translation, so be open. Be interested, genuinely. Every little thing you share as a couple would be foundation to what you can share when finally, you beat that distance down to the ground.

2. Celebrate occasions.
I know this may sound funny because you're apart, but the times either of you stayed up late just to greet the other a Happy Valentine counts. See the blessing being apart grants. At least you get extended holidays (her and your timeline means at least 48 hours of Christmas). Greet her. The holidays are painful when you can't spend them with your special someone, with every couple rubbing their togetherness on you even! So greet her. For the mushiness, for the romantic notions and for the comfort it would bring. Never forget the occasions. The things that you can afford to not miss out, take them. They matter.

3. Don't live vicariously through each other. Be your own person.
Make use of the time you don't get to spend together as a time you can dedicate to your own becoming. It's so easy to be so attached to technology, but don't smother each other with attention at the expense of your personal growth. Consider the long distance period as gestation time. It's time for you to grow and nurture that life you will someday share with each other. If you trust in the strength of your relationship, you should trust that living a life individually is not tantamount to foregoing life in a relationship. Growth and space, these are things that long distance couples can very much enjoy while the situation is still less than ideal. Become, then share. It will help each of you gain the respect of the other in the long run.

4. Be optimistic.
We girls are great in being anxious. We girls are amazing at over-analyzing things and even self-deprecation, don't you think? Relax. See the good things in every situation, and people, especially your partner. Dark thoughts are strong and can eat up every hint of light in a situation, it's your duty to keep at least a flicker alive. Don't be too afraid and never forget what lit that little flicker up in the first place. When you always keep in mind what made you risk it all and be in a long distance relationship in the first place, you're bound to surpass every dark corner.

5. Keep your promises.
Trust is the number one thing that makes a long distance relationship capable. Keep your promises, even the little ones, because the little shards of broken promises you collect, they pierce deeply.

So anyway, today wasn't supposed to be the launch of my I Love 5 section but heck. Songs inspire.

Today I felt a good kind of missing, something people who are or have been in a long distance relationship must be familiar with, I assume. It's the type of missing you can feel warm and fuzzy and thankful for. It's the type of missing that serves as a reminder, refresher and even as a re ignition of every promise and every plan you made with your partner, even when she's far.

"You just have to see her, you just have to see her, you just have to see her, you know that she'll break you in two."

Confession, I guess I love ghosts, and You?

LESBIAN BOOK#2 Fallen in Love by Lauren Kate

Do you think there's a wanting of lesbian literature in your country?

Cause from where I'm from, I feel like there is. I live in a country where it is painful to admit, our own literature is most likely in a shadowy corner, than the grander center aisles of a bookstore. And in that shadowy corner, is a more shadowy section of gay literature. I always feel a strong rush of excitement when I see a lesbian book when I search my favorite bookstores. It's that rare. Perhaps, the gay community were steps ahead putting their voices and stories in print than us lesbians, I don't know. All I know is, I want more. I want to hungrily devour whatever lesbian literature I can get my hands on--better if its from a local scene.

With that, let me share with you a pleasant surprise I was blessed with last night. Because something happened post-sex, and by sex I mean something else--I just wanted the drama, I couldn't sleep. I decided to start reading this young adult book that I pulled out for one of my book reviews, Fallen in Love by Lauren Kate.

This book cover inspires me to have black hair.

Fallen in Love is part of the Fallen series, a love story between angels. For Fallen in Love, what we have are back stories of the characters of the Fallen series. Think of it as fan fiction, or the unnecessary author response to the typical reader's question "what happened to characters A, B, C?"

Nonetheless, I have to say, I was pleased to find out that within this young adult "supplementary" book, is a lesbian love story. I am very pleased for various reasons, beginning with 1. Fallen in Love is a book with a young targeted demographic. I really think it's important to incorporate such forms of love, heterosexual and homosexual, in the literature we feed the youth nowadays because the issue between the sexes is more alive than ever in this period to which they're born--even blessed with.

But what truly delighted me was the part where in the lesbian chapters, the romantic conflict the author decided to focus on was in the issue between them being angels, not both girls. I have always dreamed of a community where our sexes and preferences would be taken as a matter of flatly. Where to be in love with the same sex is treated with as much normalcy as being in love with the opposite sex is. The lesbian story line in Fallen in Love fed that fantasy. It wasn't a grand story, Fallen in Love wasn't a grand book, but for that effort, I give it my fondness.

I wish to find more lesbian books/stories to share with you. If you know any, please do share with me too.

An abrupt end

Dear A,
No amount of refresh can show your name. I can't remember how many times I've tried to convince myself, "Don't push it. Let it breathe." I read in an article once, it's not true that you shouldn't go to sleep without patching things up. Some things take overnight to heal; but I can't convince myself to subscribe to the thought. My body aches on these unsettling grounds. I can't go to sleep when things aren't okay. How could you?
Sometimes I talk to myself to answer the question. Maybe you cried yourself to sleep. It's the only possible way.
But I know you're not the crying kind. Sometimes I wonder, have you cried because of me? I have this slightest hint of memory of you crying because of me... but I look at it with the clarity of the future and is it really because of me? Did you cry because you were hurting? Did you cry because you were afraid? Did you cry because you didn't like what's happening?
My mom said, I shouldn't cry so much, that only the weak cry. Tears are signs of weakness. Pain is not equivalent to tears. Losses are not equivalent to tears. Those who are strong are able to hold back the tears and keep their head high. I believe strength is in honesty, my mom believes strength is in not allowing yourself to be broken.
Have you always been strong? Is that why I can't remember you cry? I have so many questions in my head, so many I could make a list. I feel like whipping out a paper so I can have a script. When I meet you for the first time again, I can take it out. All I have to do is read my questions so I won't forget to ask. Our days are numbered. We should make each count.
Some people I got to talk to told me, I

Above is a drafted letter-blog that remained unfinished. Funny how confused and lost I was then. That's all the hurt talking--blabbering even. Months after, here I stand now, still confused over a few things, but with a clear conscience.

Every relationship has a way of ending--as much as it has its own amusing way of beginning in the first place. We can never rule out that possibility of losing somebody, or even just the spark. The best we can do is immerse ourselves in the heat while the fire dances with our hearts.

All we have is the now. What we make of it, makes us.

This is why we broke up 3

I wanted to preserve the loud thumping within my chest. It was a drumming rhythm that defined how I walked this earth--march right left right. I know you've heard it once, when you rested your head on my breast. I saw you smile, you closed your eyes, "I can feel your heart," feel not hear, you even clarified. And that, my darling beloved, anchored me on the premise of wanting so surely. Everything that spins, is you, so I spin to the beat of lunacy.

I wanted to be a part of something big, explosive even, and that scared you. You said something about me being destructive and careless and more words you can't afford. How much are you willing to risk to navigate around my mind, I can now just assume. We had points A to Z between arms, like a soldier's rifle waiting to be triggered. This urged me to listen to your tales of wastage while you reprimand me for the pressing wreckage. If only you allowed me to show you. I just wanted the cleanliness of our blast. Like a supernova--so frightening, but most often than not, for the best of us.

That blinding light that caused you to jerk a quick left against a street post--to save your leg or another life--those were the quick radical questions that pounced on me as I decided to go. I will never learn to drive, I made it clear, but you said I still should try. So there we were, with a crash piercing through the silence of not talking. I wanted to blame my lack of skill but you forced me to be everything else but me. No horns could have halted the pages from turning. We turned until there was none left to lift--not even each other.

As I press on the mold to imprint my thoughts on you, I become the word with dropped letters--forming different worlds darker than the tunnels of your heart. I just wanted to preserve the sparkling need to be loved by you and only you; then I met someone new. I met someone new. I met someone new.

I stopped wanting you.

We deny ourselves as much as we lose what we stand to gain.

This is why we broke up 1

Wolves howled from under my shirt
a declaration of the phases of your moon
I found myself lost between my skirt
awaiting a reckless slow burning doom.

I have ten other reasons written on my journal, but today, that shall do. I can't let you burn me out. You wanted, too much.

"Life is happening."

We all have our shares of once in a lifetime experiences. Yesterday, was one. It was 12.12.12 (December 12, 2012)--I refer to it as destiny day. I made a huge deal out of it. Awesome things happened.

The funny thing about life is, it has its way of taking things back at our most inconvenient time.

1. Stability - you know that feeling when you just got yourself back to your feet and you can finally walk a straight line without wobbling? Have yourself suddenly shoved out of control in between steps. That happened yesterday when A's Christmas gifts arrived. I knew she sent me gifts, and she told me what she sent, but I was floored over how my whole being reacted to receiving the items. The gesture felt more real than ever. I felt her through the bubble wrap. I imagined her carefully securing everything. I imagined her happy to send me hope. I imagined her hurting she couldn't send herself instead. Stability... it's not a very constant thing. We're all built to be tipped off balance even with the slightest breeze so I'm not surprised it was taken away from me. I should have seen it coming. I could go on all day taking the blame.

2. Trust - people we can trust, or at least feel that we can trust, are blessings to me. I value them more than anything because I know how rare it is to feel a certain level of connection with someone--the type that can knock on my closed hatchet of self. Today, trust was taken away from me in the absence of acceptance. I feel judged and hurt. Y laid down a few things she didn't like about our relationship as if it were an enumeration exam. There were even a few more that she refuses to tell me because she hopes I will figure those few things on my own--by being a little bit more sensitive --pt being, I'm insensitive apparently. I've never felt more unwanted in my life. I'm thinking... if you don't want me, why not go? And no, it doesn't feel good to hear an answer that goes "Exactly, I'm staying. Does that not count for anything?" Staying because it's what you want to do and staying because you can tolerate are two sides of the same coin.

3. Respect - it's sad to admit that I feel like I have lost the respect I have for some of the most important people in my life.. likewise, I fear and feel that I had lost their respect for me as well. Respect is something earned and it will always be tragic to lose it. Sad because it's not even due to broken bones and wounded hearts. I've lost the respect for and of the most important people in my life because life is happening and there are mistakes that are too huge of a deal to overlook--and overcome.

Life has its way of reclaiming what it has generously provided. The best thing we can do, as always, is to live in each moment.

One very smart person (S, you) once told me that life is happening. As much as it is simply stating the obvious, I must say, I have never concurred as hard.