Lamming 3

I can tell if something's feral if I give in to telling my best friend. Because she's a woman who can't be bothered, unless you are me. (feelings)

But I don't want to abuse the free pass, because I am me.

Anyway. Let's seal a memory.

-----

The first time I ever broke
a rule, with memory
was when I was 6--I
climbed a pole
slid, flashed, laughed
did it over again.

So I raise a glass
for you, people of endless spinning
hearing none but a cheer
do at least once!
Do all over again
if it was fun.

It is fun if it churned your insides
to a sparkle seen in mirrored eyes

Fun if it tasted like tomorrow
and tastes the same ‘til now
spicy at the tip of your tongue,
like a name
or a song
of a dream only you would know how to spell

My first time to be scolded
for having aimless fun
childhood giggles championing
foolishness
was when I planted my feet, on ground
unknowing of who waits
hopeful for a face
breaking sobs, in between
tiny hands and little feet
dirty soiled silly dreams
turning to a 90, stretching out
hands gracefully gripping air,
realizing for sure
that none.

SONG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBVX5qOtvA8

Drifting off

If you’ve ever found yourself fixated on a season that you feel a blur in you when that particular season shifts, then you and I must be sharing a gene or so. I feel queasy over losing summer without accomplishing something big or grand or legen, wait for it, dary.

My journal has been empty for weeks now and although I am open to the idea of overlooking the big and small, I am still badgering myself over my dullness. I’ve been making new friends in the office, though I must admit, office friendships are what I would suspect to be unsound and temporary, based on the little and the lot that I’ve experienced and heard from people’s stories.

Yesterday, I was drifting off while this new colleague told me of her love life, of this guy who once broke her heart but is now bothering her over a made out session they recently had, and about her hot friend’s perfect life but melodramatic way of living. It’s a lot to take, so I drift off as I try to listen. I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I’m not happy about that.

While drifting off aka pretending I was listening, I managed to note down three mildly peculiar things about myself and what I was feeling in the moment. I feel fortunate to remember those three things until this morning. I know this blog post is a heavy load of me-me-me things, but then again this is my page so if I would like to start each of my sentences with an I, I shall.

 1. I think my friend V thinks I’m a good listener. She’s a very talkative girl, and I think any secret I tell her will not be a secret at all. She’s a free-flow of information, like the internet, and I think she thinks I’m a good listener. I wonder if she can notice me checking out random cute clothes in the background. Boy, our building’s smoking lounge is lovely; despite the dilapidated chairs.

 2. I have been recently arrested in my own head for quite a while. At first, I thought it was just a random swing of craziness but it happened again this morning. It happened the other night, yesterday and this morning, as I was trying to get over one difficult level of Candy Crush in my commute. It scares me, when my head spins heavy like that. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. All I know is it makes me breathe heavier and my heart beats faster when I get arrested in my head. It’s like I hear voices and all the thoughts crash into one mash of scrambled noise. It isn’t peaceful. This morning, I felt like crying. I don’t understand why it happens or what triggers it. I just know, every time it does happen, I want to hurt myself.

 3. I like taking selfies while waking outdoors. Literally, while walking down clear sidewalks. I don’t even feel ashamed nor fear what the passing cars would think of me. I never really liked cars anyway. Wouldn’t care less about what the people in those cars would think. I don’t like people.

So to officially bid my beloved season goodbye, I have been carrying an umbrella in my bag every day. It made me miss my college umbrella—a hot pink one. I wish I don’t lose my green umbrella now. I hate it when I lose my umbrella. It’s very hard to find a good umbrella nowadays.

What have you lost lately?